My retail hell

Hello and good afternoon. I am writing to you through the medium of wireless connectivity which I successfully installed yesterday in my home (well, I put the CDs in and followed the instructions, but when it came to putting the card into the back of the pooter I fluffed it up and had to storm upstairs and hide under the duvet for a bit while Prince Charming made me a cup of tea and did some magic inside the PC box that made it all OK again, but you know, I still think it's a triumph of feminism coz I was quite wary about taking the back off the computer but I still did it and I didn't touch any of the circuitry or anything*).
I have called my network Wendy Wireless because "Belkin" just sounds too much like "merkin" frankly. Even Prince Charming's laptop is working on it. Yay! Get me. Well, get him too I guess, coz he did help, but it was mainly me and I did go through hell to get the thing in the first place. You see the only PC World I could find is right over the other side of Bristol in the Cribbs Causeway Retail Park and if you ever get the chance to go there, I strongly suggest you don't. Not only was there a massive queue to get in, but it was the most horrendous mall I've ever been to (and bear in mind here that I lived in America for 6 months, so I've seen a few horrendous shopping malls in my time).
Imagine Cabot Place in Canary Wharf, right: now pile three of those on top of each other. Then think of an average-sized out-of-town retail park with your B&Q, your Harveys Furniture World, your Hobbycraft superstore and so on, and double it. Put two of those either side of the enormous covered shopping centre, slap a TGI Friday's** on the edge and fill in any surrounding area with a car park that stretches as far as the eye can see. Stick the M5 next door and fill every available inch of space with badly-dressed, waddling, stupid people and their snotty-nosed screaming offspring, remove any kind of signage that might indicate where customers might like to go to find the particular store that they've come to visit, and you've got the Cribbs Causeway Retail Park. I seriously very nearly had a panic attack when I ended up in the covered mall by mistake and had to run to the nearest exit for some fresh air.
I eventually found PC World entirely by chance, and after some minutes of walking along the foot/cycle path (who's going to CYCLE to a bloody out-of-town retail park? What, do they allow bikes on the M5 now?) looking at the PC World sign on the other side of an impenetrable piece of "landscaping" (some tatty bushes) I eventually found my way through and lingered next to the networking secton feeling useless because I didn't understand any of the packaging even though lots of people had told me wireless networks are very easy to set up. Was I going to have to admit to Hypatia that I was unable to follow her example and wirelessly network my entire abode? Would she believe me when I claimed it was because my house is bigger than her flat? Would I be able to find my car again?
But of course where there's a princess in need, there is inevitably a knight in shining armour, and so it was that eventually this damsel in distress heard the sweet words "Do you need some help there?" and I turned to find a lovely chap called Colin beaming down upon me, his purple airtex shirt gleaming as if, as I strongly suspect, he was actually sent from heaven to solve my problems with an avuncular smile and some cheery words of advice. He was so helpful that I didn't at all mind paying the money that I could have saved if I'd gone to Maplins or something instead of PC World. Also, I got the whole of Norton Internet Security and Norton GoBack for the same price as I would have paid for the Norton Antivirus 2005 upgrade, so I think that made up for it a bit (now I just have to find out what the hell GoBack actually does).
Anyway I hope you are impressed. And if anyone ever tells you "wireless network? Oh that's easy, all you need are a router and a couple of cards for your PC and laptop", don't believe them. There's a hell of a lot more at stake.

(*isn't it incredible how much dust lives inside a computer? I never knew!)
(** here's a fun game: even if you've never been to TGI Friday's, I bet you know what's on the menu. Go on, try it. I'll start you off: "hot" "wings" probably with some amusing brand name, nachos, potato wedges, trips to the salad bar - and probably some kind of "eat the whole of this huge gutbucket dessert without chundering and you get your entire meal for free!!!!!!!!(TM)" special offer)