Brarse

Just spent 2.5 hours shopping for dresses. Now hate every single bit of my blotchy mid-winter body. Especially the top half. Would it KILL one bloody shop to make dresses that had room for some bazookas in them? Or is everything designed by bitter flat-chested women huddled over their sketchbooks cackling 'ha ha, this'll really piss off those busty bitches'? (Actually, they probably are skinny and bitter since they are Fashion People and we all know Fashion People don't eat food or ever have fun.)
The worst thing is you never get any sympathy for having big tits. People seem to assume it's all prancing around in a mohair twinset having a jolly fun time with Rock Hudson, rather than the reality of never being able to buy anything in any of the following categories:
- buttons down the front (gaping issues)
- strapless, backless or one-shouldered (unless you want your breasticles bashing your knees, since strapless bras don't work past a C cup)
- thin straps or racer back (have to wear a bra, and probably one with sensible inch-wide straps)
- sheer or lacy top/back panels (all the above underwear issues)
- any type of dress (either fits round the tits but nowhere else, or everywhere else and you can't zip the top up)
- tunics/kaftans/baggy t-shirts (tenting)
- t-shirts with pictures on them (distortion of image)
- any other tight t-shirt (a one-way ticket to sweatpatchville)
- anything empire-line (the empire is never big enough)
- anything sleeveless (armpit gaping)
- anything gathered at the waist (rides up)
- high-waisted skirts or trousers (frumpy)
- horizontal stripes, frills or 'interesting' shoulders (wiiiiide looooooooad)
- anything low-cut (whoreish) or high-neck (lumpen) or tight (whoreish and lumpen)
- most of the underwear and swimwear in the universe.
Anyway I'm just going to wear jeans to the wedding reception on Friday and to hell with it. Everyone will be looking at the bride anyway.